I’ve kept up the boxing and joined a gym where I do some weight lifting programmes, been to three dance classes (more about Xtina and Britney later) and stepped up my walking in preparation for my challenge in August.
But still I feel like a fake. My amazing friend and inspiration Gem was blogging, tweeting and we were chatting yesterday morning about imposter syndrome and I know exactly what she’s talking about. I’m wasn’t at work yesterday, taking the day off and had the chance to go to a Pilates class local to my home in the morning. I knew it was a good idea, knew it was a perfect opportunity but talked myself out of it as I didn’t want to be the fat bird I’m the room.
I should have gone. I know I should have. But but but. I’m so proud (yes proud) of myself for starting the boxing and sticking to it and for going to the gym, for going back to dance class when it was properly tough and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was even feeling a little bit confident but the old demons are still there. I’m too big to exercise, these classes/ places are not for me. They’re for the people who look like they belong.
My rational self knows how crazy this is – how do I get to be the me in the mirror I’m happy to look at without taking these steps and sucking up the discomfort? But also why should I put myself in situation where I feel self concious and uncomfortable?
It’s a tough one. I’m trying to face it at the moment with a new journal. It’s the Daily Greatness 12 weeks to a Rocking Body journal from the team at dailygreatness.com. The journal is forcing me to think about what I’ve done and done well, what I should celebrate about myself and what I should look to improve. I’m struggling with the pats on my own back – having been the fat girl for so long I’m usually the first to make a comment about myself to get in before others can. Think the ‘Fat Amy’ approach in Pitch Perfect. Having to write every day about achievements is alien to me. But I have achieved and it helps me to know that I can do more.
So, without meaning to sound bud headed or boastful here’s some of my truths.
I AM so much stronger than I was at the beginning of the year
I AM looking and feeling more like myself and I look good – I can only look better as I get closer to my goal
I AM making good choices and sticking to them
I AM worth this investment of time in myself